THINGS NEVER TO SAY TO A SCOTSMAN IN AMERICA

Aye, the Scottish accent. What you have heard about Americans loving and fetishising the Scottish accent is certainly true, 100%. It was something I occasionally liked when I lived out there, but often didn't. The minute I started speaking to somebody new whom I didn't know, I would always have the same conversation about where I was from: "Falkirk, directly in between Glasgow and Edinburgh. If you saw Braveheart, there's a Battle of Falkirk in it. The place hasn't changed much since the Middle Ages, though we do have electricity." Chuckling here. But it did do my head in sometimes though, I confess, having to state things time and again to be understood because of the way I speak, because at no time whatsoever did I try to put on a crap American accent.

And it was not the fault of the average accent-uneducated American ear that they could not understand what I was saying, until I had slowed myself to probably half of how fast I normally speak, enunciating each verb and vowel and inflection and intonation slowly and clearly for the person listening. After all, how often do they hear Scottish accents on telly or in the cinema? Practically never. I mean, they also fetishise Scotland, and will try and tell you about some ancestor of theirs who may or may not have been Scottish, they sorta kinda maybe thought, but, unless they had been there on holiday (Edinboro, as they pronounced it, natch) they didn't really much care about the country. America is plenty for them. And why not? Americans will have seen one of exactly two 'Scottish' films: Braveheart, which they love because it shows us fighting the English, as they did, and (sigh) Trainspotting. Sean Connery and Ewan 'Obi Wan Kenobi' McGregor are the only two Scottish film stars they have heard of, and they probably don't even know the latter is Scottish. He certainly doesn't much sound it anyway, the RP-accented poof. 

As anybody who knows me knows, I am a total wordbitch 24/7. Being an extremely articulate person with a very wide vocabulary and being reduced to sounding like I had just suffered a major head trauma when I spoke s...l...o...w...l...y was depressing, to be honest. Having to say "budder" instead of "butter" (I got laughed at in a shop once for pronouncing the fucking word the right way! Seriously!) and "fordy" instead of "forty" made me die a little inside every time I had to do it. And if any halfwit tried to do a 'Scottish' accent when I spoke to them, upon meeting me, I told them they sounded like a Russian stroke victim, which would soon put their gas at a peep (Scottish expression meaning to make quiet) and make them not try it again. Though I can heartily recommend phone sex with an American bird. The squishes and howls and splats and gurgles and moans gotten from the way you merely open your mouth, vibrate your vocals cords, and expel hot air orally are very, very entertaining and erotic.

Anyway. I have assembled here a few of my 'fave' things said to me when I lived in Chicago and its suburbs, along with my answers, though I did not always answer. Some things were just too ludicrous, or depressing, to dignify with a response except a puzzled frown, and gagging back a stream of expletives (which would have been enjoyed by the person they were aimed at as an example of the 'angry Scotsman' trope) to stop me screaming in their face. Still chuckling. I was probably one of the worst-ever people to go to live in America temperament-wise, I freely admit. It just wasn't for me. But it wasn't all my fault. Sometimes I was provoked quite severely. As the list below, of things people said to me on first meeting me, in no particular order, will show. Though I must say that most people were cool, interested and sympathetic, and the mouth-farts below were really the exception to the rule. With that proviso having been added, let's move on:

1) "Hey Scotty! Hey Scotty!"

     "How did you know my name?"

2) "You're that guy from the movie with the big sword!"

3) "Do an impersonation of Scotty from Star Trek!"

    "You seriously want me to impersonate a Canadian impersonating a Scotsman on an old American  programme?"

    "Huh?"

4) "Say DONKEY!" This comes from Shrek; never seen that fucking stupid film to this day.

    "Eh...no."

5) "My name's Scott and you're from Scotland!"

    "Eh..."

6) "You speak very good English!"

    "Thanks. I came across here and picked it up in a couple of weeks. I'm good with languages."

7) "If it's not Scottish it's crap!" This comes from Mike Myers (a cunt who has made a cottage industry out of doing shit impersonations of Scottish men) on Saturday Night Live; when somebody first said that to me, I had no fucking idea whatsoever what they were talking about, because that show never got screened in Scotland. I was delighted when it was explained. Note sarcasm. Curmudgeon, moi? Laughing.

8) "You're Scottish, that means you're cheap with money!"

    "Thanks for that negative racial stereotype."

9) "FREEEEDOOOOM!!!" I would always give a dim smile. 

    "Never heard that one before."

10) "You sound just like a little leprechaun!" Laughing here as I think about the lobotomised, pleased-with-herself delight on the face of the white middle class woman who said that to me at the hospital I worked at.

    "Thanks for comparing me to an Irish mythological beast." You have to imagine my voice dripping pleasant poison to hear that one right in your mind's ear.

    "Huh?" That was often a stock response to anything I said. And what a joy it was, too.

11) "You're Scottish, huh? I'm Scottish too!"

      "You've lost the accent."

12) "What County are you from?" I often was mistaken for an Irishman in Chicago, which has a large Irish heritage, of which they make a major balls-up too, reducing the Scots and Irish to drinking and fighting and swearing, inarticulate stereotypes. Chuckling.

     "County Scotland."

13) "Can you repeat what you were saying? I wasn't listening to what you were saying, just how you were saying it."

      "So the informational content of what I am saying means nothing, but it sounds nice? Thanks!"

      "Huh?"

14) "You're from Scotland? Awesome! You play golf?" This tiresome tripe was confined to white middle class men, who pathetically regarded St Andrew's as their shite-sport Mecca.

      "Nope."

      "Your friends play golf?"

      "Nope."

      "You and your friends don't play golf?" They couldn't believe this simple, true fact.

      "No, that was much more a middle class activity."

      "Have you ever been to St Andrew's?" Sharp fever gleam in wistful American eyes...

      "Yep."
      

      "What was it like?!" So excited.

      "It was cold, boring, and green, and I was glad to go home." The conversation would somehow wind down after this sort of golf-fantasy-slaughtering exchange.

14) "You know how you guys toss that big log in the air?"

      "Aye, tossing the caber."

      "Do they have mini cabers for babies?"

      "..." I actually laughed out loud as I wrote that one above down, as I just recalled it. Totally true.

15) "What's your favorite soccer team?"

      "Don't have one. Hate the sport. And it's football, you kick the ball with your foot. Soccer sounds like something that happens during domestic violence."

16) "Oh you're from Scotland? We love Scotland, we went there on vacation. Everything is so green! It's so beautiful over there. Even the trailer parks were beautiful."

      "We don't have trailer parks. They were caravan parks. They weren't trailers,"

Anyway, that's all I can think of right now, though there were probably many more. It's just a slightly vicious laugh, is all, and no Americans or Scotsmen were harmed during the making of this production. "Och aye the noo! Crivvens, jings, help ma Boab! DONKEY!!!!! FREEEDDDDOOOOOOMMMM!!!" 

Still laughing, as ever.

THE END

PS:This wee Scottish cunt's accent is as shite as Americans trying to put on a 'Scotch' accent (I used to tell people that Scotch was a drink, not a nationality, to dim confused smiles, as usual), but this is still funny. I have actually found that Americans tend to be pretty good-humoured about having the piss ripped out of them a bit, so good on them, The IRA joke in this will fly over the heads of some gentle readers but, well, them's the breaks (I will explain it in the comments if asked):