BRU HOO

(This has fainting-couch-worthy sexual swearwords in it. Be wary, be aware, be warned, and shut yer drippy moaning piehole if offended) 

Crowdit Glesga Central
Chilly Monday efternin
Hauf an oor tae spare
Afore the nixt
Carlisle-bound
Twae-back-carriages-sat
Train back through tae Killie.
Nip across the road tae Greggs
Suitcase n twae plastic bags
Held in weight-balancing hands.
Twae sausage rolls, plastic Xtra Bru boatil
Four-forty, cannae be right, fucksake,
New price rise as usual.
Is it jist me or did the
Sausage rolls no used tae be
Bigger, meatier, mair pastry-swaddled?
Jist anither wee silly hing
Stolen sighing  by the ivir-ticking
Criminal hands ay capitalist time.
Back tae the station, busy travel hive
Tourist's wasps nest, eywis-buzzing
Comings, goings, toings, froings,
Hereings, thereings, everywhereings.
Big shitsmeared tellies broadcasting
Eternal English government lies.
Same as it ivir wis.
Chomp chew swallay
Go tae open the Bru fir a
Nice gubchunk-lubricating cauld drink.
Bit naw! Nae purchase oan the cap
Try tae grip grab grasp silently swear
Moan ya annoying wee blue cuntye!
Dinnae gie's this nae-drooth-soothing
Meaningless petty strength test pish
Get yersel well tae fuck n back
Wi yer dolphin-saving recycle thegither
Stroppy mockery ay a scoosh cap crap!
Nuhhin mair fucking frustrating!
Fuck yer girders, fuck yer
Crabby strutting carbon fitprint,
Jist lit us open this drink ya pricks!
Yin roond-cap hand-gouging trying swipe
Nut nuhhin nada zero less thin fuck aw.
Second harder-grip slight teethgrit try
Nae joy nae luck whit a fucking nightmare!
Third grab n go nut nut nut clench jaw
Look doon it ivir-ridder prickly raw paw
Sat blazing against the blue ay the tap.
Nae taps aff! That's really unusual fir Glesga
Nae thirsty burpy weather wet fronts.
Start tae despair, gather strength n
Determination silent pose n poise
Shairly tae fuck fourth time lucky?
Grab, strain, sprain, tense white knuckle shuffle 
N OHYABASTIRTYE! IT'S COMING AFF!
FELT IT MOVE! GET THAT BEN YE YA
BIG BAD BRUTAL BARRS BASTIRTS!

Right. Calm. Stoap. Rest. Regroup.

Jist yin mair hard sulky cunt cap twist
Will finish this evil bugger off - AHA!!
VICTORY! GET THAT BEN YE, BARRS!
Nae bother tae the likes ay me!
(Well, no that much, really, comparatively)
Crack the loosened plastic bastirt blue code
Open boatil open mooth gulp gasp swallay
Quiet gascrash burp that hits the wet spot
Then alternate moothfuhs ay hard-won
Bru n sausage roll taking thir toll
Oan picked pocket n tense frayed nerves
Hinking mibbe ah should write they
Clearly-sadist Irn-Bru pricks a spiky email
Ay unrestrained complaint aboot thir
Horrible hand-hurting near-unconquerable
Pensioner-foe boatil caps n sneers
Then ah jist hink ah fuck it, train is here
N ah struggle oan it wi ma luggage
N write this silly wee
Probably easily-relatable
Bruhaha
Piece
Hinking
Nixt time
Ah'll buy a
Fucking can
Insteid.


THE END